Camp Camp Falls Falls
by MattySeptiplierTale
Summary: After Camp Campbell is shut down due to health problems at Lake Lilac, the children, counselors, and Quartermaster are moved to the secondary site Cameron Campbell hasn't touched in years; the boarding school stationed in Gravity Falls. Will Max's cynical outlook on life and magic be changed by accidentally falling into Dipper and Mabel's life?
1. This Is Fucking Stupid

(After Camp Campbell is shut down for the rest of the summer due to health problems at Lake Lilac, the children, counselors, and Quartermaster are moved to the secondary site Cameron Campbell hasn't touched in years; the boarding school stationed in Gravity Falls. Will Max's cynical, nihilistic outlook on life and magic be changed by accidentally falling into Dipper and Mabel's life? Will Mabel finally find her summer romance when she crosses paths with Harrison? And why do Grunkle Stan and Cameron Campbell hate each other so much?)

Max shoved his hands into his usual blue hoodie, frowning as the entirety of the camp's alumni was shoved into the bus.

"A boarding school…?"

He heard Nikki's dejected voice, rolling his aquamarine eyes. "Yeah, what the fuck, David?"

"Language, Max. We're not really going to a boarding school, that's just what it used to be. We're using it as a… secondary camp! It's going to be great, you'll see! There are even woods and a lake too!"

Gwen shook her head, getting into the bus and grabbing her trashy book to read.

"I can't believe the camp had mold inside the shed. It was all over, we could have died!" Neil yelled, arms waving a bit.

"Yeah, all of the camps were shut down." Space Kid interjected, voice bouncing off the glass of his helmet.

Max raised a brow, moving swiftly to the front to ask Gwen about it.

"Hey, Gwen?" His voice held confusion and some form of irritableness that everyone had already grown accustomed to in the short time of knowing the nihilistic ten year old. "Why are there more buses following ours?"

Gwen glanced over, a sigh escaping her as she half scowled. "Because it was Campbell's fault that the lake got shut down, he's letting the Flowerscouts and Woodscouts use the extra wings of his school. He really wanted to avoid lawsuits."

Max shut his eyes, face palming with a shake of his head. Before he could speak, he was thrown back, the bus jumping forward.

He stared at the ceiling of the bus for a long moment, thoughts darting every which way, before they settled on one that caused his eyes to narrow into a glower and voice go low into an impatient, angry growl.

"This. Fucking. Sucks."

Dipper's first reaction to the buses milling into the old, haunted school was to go up to his Grunkle Stan, slightly frantic.

"Eh?"

Mabel beat him to it, however, jumping up and down excitedly. "There are buses full of kids our age getting into the old school across the street!"

Stan's eyes widened as he realized what that would do to his revenue. Campbell was going to screw him over, _again._

He quickly ran out in just his tank top, underwear, and hat. He glared toward the usually empty building, buses milling into the lot of the building in similar disfashion as his shop.

"CAMPBELL!"

Max looked up at the yell, but his attention quickly went back to Gwen.

"You guys can go anywhere in town from 6 to 12, be back for camp activities, and then you can go out again from 4 to 9. There'll be some exceptions, but you guys get it."

"The goal is to make as many friends as possible! I know being away from the camp is a little less than ideal, but we can make it at least half of what the camp was! I know you guys can do it!" David spoke, a little less upbeat, but his voice was still tinged with a happiness that obviously took a lot to extinguish.

Max gave an irritated sigh, turning toward the exit. "C'mon Neil, Nikki."

Nikki's immediate response was to jump into the air with a cheer, eyes bright. "Adventure!"

Neil waved them off. "You guys go; I've got unpacking to do."

Max's first stop was the Mystery Shack.

"Ooh!" Nikki kept humming as she looked around at the oddities of the shop, bouncing around in a way that caused Max's eyes to roll.

He started toward the counter, before jumping onto it, causing the red head sitting there to pull her magazine down and raise an eyebrow at him.

"You do know the sign on top of this place says Mystery Hack, right?"

The girl sighed, tipping her head a bit so her hair fell out of her face, a jaded smile stuck on her lips. "Yeah, it does. What do you think this place is?"

Max groaned, jumping down off the counter and barely keeping the jar of fake eyes from toppling to the ground and shattering.

"Good job noticing though, little dude."

Max's lips quirked into a tired smirk, nodding as he walked out, dragging Nikki with him.

"Aww, I wanted to see more!"

Max immediately ran into someone.

He glared at the boy he ran into, hand letting go of Nikki's arm.

"Uh, sorry." The boy apologized, fixing his white and blue hat.

"Yeah, yeah…" Max sighed, brushing past the boy.

He hadn't noticed that Nikki had gotten caught up in a conversation with the girl that was with the boy he ran into.

"Max!"

Max turned, raising a brow as Nikki ran up and forcefully pulled him back, causing his shoulder to scream in protest.

"Oww, what the f-!"

"Look- this is Dipper and Mabel! They're twins!" Nikki introduced, hand still gripping Max's arm tight enough to hurt.

Max ripped his arm out of Nikki's grasp. "Wonderful." He grumbled sarcastically with an eye roll.

"You guys should come over!" Mabel started excitedly, causing Max to give a sigh and face palm.

He saw Nikki nod her head vehemently from the corner of his eye.

"Yeah! Friends!" Mabel cheered, grabbing onto Nikki's arm and quickly leading her to the Mystery Shack.

Max narrowly avoided Nikki dragging him along to, staring after them with a scowl set on his lips.

Dipper shook his head minimally, starting to walk off.

For a moment, Max hesitated. He had no qualms with being alone, though after meeting Nikki and Neil, it was sort of rare.

Hell, when he wasn't with them, he was usually with someone else.

So he followed Dipper.

"… I'm Max."

Dipper seemed to get startled by Max, but he calmed, stuffing the book he'd had out into his vest before Max could really see it.

Max's eyes narrowed, but he didn't speak.

"Well, as your friend said, I'm Dipper."

Dipper was a little wary of Max, but he didn't tell him to leave.

Max shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, before raising a brow again as Dipper delved into the forest.

"Hey, uh, where are you going?" Max asked, suddenly getting a bit nervous.

Before Dipper could answer, a noise started to their side.

It caused Dipper to jump and quickly grasp at whatever he'd hid in his vest, though Max just gave a slightly bored scowl.

Until of course, a bat like creature the size of David jumped out of the bushes.

Max's eyes widened a small bit as he stared up at it, before tilting his head. His initial thought was this was some sick bastard dressed up.

"Don't!" Dipper tried, but Max was already tugging at the thing's face.

Max suddenly paled a bit when he realized that it was real.

A bitter taste started in his mouth, before suddenly he inhaled and screamed.

Max's scream seemed to scramble the thing, its clawed hands reaching up to hold its head, wings flexing.

Dipper quickly started doing… something, but Max wasn't paying attention, trying hard to keep his scream going when he realized it was the only thing keeping the bat from attacking.

Suddenly it turned into a real bat, flying away as Max desperately tried to suck in air, lungs burning.

"What the FUCK was that?!"

Dipper blinked in surprise, obviously unused to people cursing around him.

"Well, that was a reverse werebat."

"A what?!" Max cried, hands going up to grip at his hair. He needed to go do something else somewhere else before this scarred him for life.

Max was sitting on Dipper and Mabel's couch, leaning away from the pig who was staring up at him. "… you have a pig."

Mabel picked up the pig, swinging him around a bit. "This is Waddles! I won him at the fair a few days ago!"

Max stared at her for a moment, before breathing, "You're worse than David…"

"Hey Max, it's almost time to go." Nikki said, laying on the counter of their kitchen.

Mabel looked excited. "You're doing camp stuff?! Can I come?!"

Max groaned, plopping forward to lay down on the couch, before looking up when a goat started chewing on his hoodie.

"… this fucking place."

"We don't have enough beds for all the campers, so we're going to have to share!" David's first words caused Max's eye to twitch.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Max groaned, tipping his head back.

"There's 2 missing beds, so-!" Gwen started, before suddenly Mabel slid forward, eyes sparkling.

"2? They can stay at our place! I call Nikki!" Mabel shouted, grabbing onto Nikki.

Nikki was nodding so hard she was going to give herself whiplash, eyes sparkling.

Max shrugged. "Alright. Anywhere's better than jammed here."

"W-Wait!" Neil tried, realizing that he was going to be left behind.

"Oh, Max!" David spoke happily, looking down at his clipboard.

Positivity + Max = success.

Was this success?

Max glared up at him, rolling his eyes as David teared up.

"Sorry guys, I'm just really overwhelmed by all this friendship!"

"Oh no. Not gonna happen."

Max raised an eyebrow up at Stan.

Of course, he should have expected a no.

He would rather sleep on a park bench than go back to the makeshift camp across the street, though.

"Hey, mystery man? David said he'd pay you since you're letting us stay here." Nikki spoke, shrugging a bit.

Stan suddenly grinned.

"There's probably some room in the attic with Dipper and Mabel!"

Max watched him walk off, before dropping to sit on their couch. He hesitated, before calling Dipper's attention.

"What happened in the woods?" Max finally asked, wrapping a thin arm around his torso. "That wasn't real, right?"

Dipper stayed silent, gnawing on the end of his pen. "… yeah, it was! This town is full of monsters, ghosts, e-everything!"

Max listened to Dipper's explanation, eyes wide. His pupils constricted with the realization that this world was way more fucked up then he thought.

Somehow, Max already figured that he'd be utterly traumatized by the end of it.

His eye opened, snapping to attention as everything suddenly started falling into place.

"Hoodie's in town~!"


	2. Camp Fight Fighters

Chapter 2, Camp Fight Fighters

( _ **One letter back.**_ )

Max's eyes opened slowly, a groan escaping him. His head ached a bit, causing him to wince. As his vision started to settle, he noticed something yellow floating in front of his face.

Max jumped back, hand pressing into the dirt underneath him. He could feel it getting underneath his nails, but he didn't care.

He was more just confused.

Max had no idea where he was. It looked like a clearing in a forest that he'd never seen in his life, with the trees spread away from him.

Even though that was confusing, what was more confusing was the floating Dorito in front of him.

"Hey, you dead eyed little creep!"

Max's confusion quickly turned to anger, eyes narrowing up at the triangle. He tilted his head a bit. "What the hell are you?"

Somehow, the triangle was able to speak with no mouth, eye moving as if the sound was coming from there, which was a bit messed up.

"Would you believe me if I said your new lord and master?"

Max's scowl deepened, aquamarine eyes darkening.

"Right." The triangle drew out, almost as if he was uncomfortable. "Well have I got a deal for you!" He quickly returned to normal, sticking his hand out towards Max.

"The name's Bill!"

Wendy looked up when she noticed Max walking by, obviously on edge and a little pale.

"Hey, little dude. We were going to the arcade in a bit, were you coming?"

Max looked up, seeming to revert back to how he usually was. He shrugged a bit, hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket.

"Yeah, I guess."

After Max talked with David about where he and Nikki were going, he found himself watching Dipper and Wendy play Fight Fighters.

When it was Max's turn, he played Wendy.

"Wendy! What's up, babe? Yeah, just putting up some flyers for my band. I'm playing lead guitar. No biggie."

Robbie, Dipper had told him.

The asshole.

"Are you wearing mascara?" Dipper asked skeptically.

"Uh, it's eye paint for men. Hey, move over. How about you sit this one out, champ?"

Max stumbled when Robbie bumped him, before he pushed Robbie back and grabbed the stick again.

"Wait your fucking turn, asshole!"

Wendy snorted, dipping her head forward. Her red hair covered her face as silent laughter shook her shoulders.

"Hey, I'm just trying to play a game with my girlfriend, you little-!" Robbie started, before he cut himself off.

Dipper was looking away, eyes wide. Cursing was _not_ something he was used to.

He was going to get used to it being friends with Max though.

"Robbie, it's fine. He's right, it's his turn." Wendy spoke, raising a hand to try and calm him.

Max gave him a small smirk, before turning back to the game.

"Alright, little dude. But it's Robbie's turn next."

"Dammit…"

Max had made the smart choice of not playing poker, watching as Mabel won over and over.

Nikki was a close second, before suddenly music began playing.

"Dudes, I think I'm picking up a radio station in my head." Soos spoke, glancing at the ceiling.

Max gave a slightly cruel smile. "Hey, maybe you should try changing the channel by blinking. I think it's very possible." Barely veiled sarcasm dripped from his voice.

"Aww, it didn't work…" Mabel whined after the same music continued.

Max rolled his eyes as he heard Robbie sing.

"It's fucking Robbie. He obviously thinks Wendy's still here." He shrugged.

"Wooowwww." Stan drew out when he heard Max curse.

"I'll handle it." Dipper stood, ignoring the oohs from Mabel, Stan, Soos, and Nikki.

Max stood, sighing. "I'll come with."

"You do know she's not here, right?" Dipper asked Robbie, crossing his arms.

"Yeah. What?"

"She's going camping with her family, remember, idiot?" Max scowled at Robbie.

Robbie stepped forward, anger clear on his face.

"Maybe if you listened to her, you would have known that…" Dipper muttered, grabbing his attention.

"What was that?"

"I just said she's not here."

Max wondered if he should care as he listened to their conversation.

On one hand, Dipper and Wendy were his, dare he say, friends.

On the other hand, he wasn't even eleven yet, and Robbie was fifteen.

And also, Max wasn't used to caring.

He watched as Robbie tried calling Wendy about Dipper's crush on her and as Dipper knocked the phone out of Robbie's hand.

"My phone!"

Max immediately took a step back. Nope.

His only thought was, "Fuck this shit I'm out."

Max realized he'd said it aloud, walking backward into the house with a deep sigh.

He had things to do anyways.

Dipper paced back and forth in front of everyone still in the living room, nervous.

"What was I thinking?! I can't fight! I've never been in a fight before! Look at these noodle arms!" He waved his arms, causing Nikki to frown.

"Just bonk him over the head! It's nature's snooze button!" Stan suggested.

"Well… since we've been living here I can fight Robbie for you! Or at least teach you. Biting exerts dominance." Nikki explained, tipping her head a little.

Mabel gave a small sigh. "Boys, Nikki! Why can't you learn to hate each other in secret? Like girls do!"

Stan snickered a bit, forcing himself to not laugh out loud yet. "Sure, listen to your sister! Maybe you can share dresses too!" He exploded with laughter. "BOOM!"

Nikki stuck her tongue out at the thought of dresses.

Dipper looked nervous, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes looked away from the others. "Maybe he'll just forget about it. Maybe it'll all blow over."

Soos crossed his arms, looking over at him. "I don't know, Dipper. Teenagers are dangerous. Those hormones turn them into like, killing machines!"

Nikki's eyes widened and sparkled. "Really?!"

Dipper bit the inside of his cheek with wide eyes as Soos answered her.

"My cousin Reggie fought a teenager once. Guy broke, like, all his arms, all his legs, and I think killed him or something. Me and Reggie were just talking about it."

Dipper backed up into the corner, breathing erratic and eyes wide. "I-I can't stay here! What if Robbie comes back!? I gotta hide!"

Stan sighed, hands going up to help reason with him. "Look, kid. You got yourself a choice here. You can either go face him like a man, or you can hide indoors like a wimp. What'll it be?"

"Hide like a wimp it is." Nikki said, holding onto the side of the game Soos was playing, watching Dipper who was hiding underneath it.

"Ugh, Nikki, Robbie is like twice my size! I mean, what will getting myself killed accomplish? I can't fight him!"

Nikki frowned, sitting down across from him with a small sigh. "Dipper-!"

Dipper quickly stood, walking a short distance away from her. "I just gotta wait till 3'oclock passes…"

His watch blared 11:30.

"Ugh, this day will never end…"

"I got David to agree to let Max and me to stay all day today, so I can always help you…" Nikki tried, though Dipper was already paying attention to something else.

He was looking up at the wall of posters of Robbie, pointing and saying, "You're Dead!"

A groan escaped him, before he rested his head on his hands.

"This day just keeps getting better and better…"

Max put away Dipper's book, slipping it into Dipper's hiding spot again.

He sort of understood on a low level that he probably shouldn't be touching Dipper's book, but…

Mabel bit her lip as the TV continued to play.

"Giiirl, why you ackin' so cray cray?"

She sighed, hugging onto Waddles.

"Poor Dipper, hiding from Robbie, unable to face his fears…"

It was a moment before she looked over to see Max walking down the stairs, frowning.

She saw Max's bags under his eyes and usual dead looking scowl set on his face, before she suddenly brightened.

Mabel watched him walk out the door to probably sit on the porch or do whatever he usually did, smiling.

"I know what to do today Waddles! I'm going to help Max be happy instead of a jerk! Or I could leave well enough alone." She stared at the pig a moment, before laughing. "Nah…!"

Nikki watched as Soos played NORT, hanging off the side of the machine.

"Man, I wonder what it would be like to be inside the game." Nikki spoke, watching as Soos died.

Soos met her eyes, and they stared for a long moment.

Soos drilled behind the game machine, opening up the back. "I wish I'd thought of this!"

Nikki got in first, pressing herself into the corner as Soos squeezed in too.

"Stupid Robbie. Such a jerk!" Dipper grumbled, pressing the buttons and watching Rumble fight the other character. He groaned as he lost the first round.

"A WINNER NEVER RUNS AWAY FROM A FIGHT!" Rumble cried from the game.

Dipper sighed, rubbing his face. "That's easy for you to say, you have more than one life. Ugh, I wish one of these guys would fight Robbie for me."

Dipper reached into his pocket to grab a quarter.

When he reached over to put the quarter in, the quarter missed the slot, falling to the ground.

A sigh escaped him, kneeling down to grab it. He paused, reaching over to wipe away dust clinging to words written on the machine. "Ultimate power? Well, I do like things that are ultimate…"

Dipper inputed the code, confusion overtaking him as the machine shut off.

"… guess it didn't work."

Suddenly, a bright light shone from the machine, causing him to step back and shield his eyes.

"Uh, Soos?!"

"Please select your character."

Dipper hesitated when he heard the game announcer speak, swallowing nervously. After a moment, he spoke, "Rumble McSkirmish?"

Sipper watched as Rumble jumped out of the machine, wide eyed as he tried to wrap his head around this.

"You're real…?"

They stared at each other a moment, before saying in unison, "HIGH FIVE!"

Dipper flinched back at the high five. "Oww, ugh, your pixels are really sharp…"

"GREETINGS, CHILD-BOY! I AM RUMBLE MCSKIRMISH, FROM THE U.S.A! PUNCH! KICK! PUNCH! KICK!" Rumble accidentally kicked Dipper, causing him to cry out.

"Ow! Cooool!"

Rumble spotted the change machine, going over toward it and bellowing, "CHANGE MACHINE! CHANGE ME INTO A POWERFUL WOLF! HWAAAAH!" He smashed the machine, causing the coins to spill across the floor.

Dipper watched him, thinking. He spoke to himself, watching the floor. "With Rumble around, Robbie will be so scared, I won't even need to fight him. I've got the world's greatest fighter to be my bodyguard!"

Rumble started flashing red, causing him to turn toward Dipper. "I need power ups!"

Dipper laughed a bit, grinning. "This is so amazing! I gotta show Soos and Nikki!" He glanced around, frowning. "Soos? Nikki?"

Nikki pressed herself further into the glass, banging on the glass.

A man walked up to the NORT game, causing her to brighten.

"Help, we're trapped in the game! It was cool in theory, but in practice it was really boring." Soos tried to explain from the inside of the game.

The man screamed and ran off.

Nikki's eyes narrowed. "It's not just a game anymore…"

Mabel set Waddles down, nodding to herself a bit. "Alright, Waddles. It's time to begin. Operation Get Max Happy With His Summer! I came up with that name."

She held up a jug of Mabel Juice she had whipped up just for the occasion, walking outside to offer it to Max.

"Hey Max!"

Max flinched a bit in surprise, scowling at her. "What the fuck, Mabel?!"

"I made some Mabel Juice, and I think you would really like it!"

Max's infinite scowl deepened, eyebrow raising in slight confusion. "What the hell is Mabel Juice?"

Mabel showed him the pitcher, grinning.

"Why are there plastic dinosaurs in it…? I'm not drinking that!"

"Just drink it, Max!"

Max opened his mouth, about to say no again, before Mabel quickly poured the drink into Max's mouth.

Max involuntarily swallowed, eyes widening at the taste.

It was a few long moments before it took hold, him resting a shaky hand on his rapidly pumping heart, breathing erratic.

"What the fuck did you do to me?! I-I said no!"

"Don't be such a poopy head! You're having fun!" Mabel answered, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

Max slapped her hands away. "The hell I a-am!"

Mabel frowned, crossing her arms.

"M-My heart! I'm d-dying! You're fucking trying to kill me!"

Mabel scowled a bit as Max ran, him falling over and rushing away.

"Well, that was a bust."

Mabel heard Dipper start walking up the stairs, looking over.

"Hey Mabel. Have you met Rumble yet? He's my new bodyguard."

Rumble spoke, causing Mabel to brighten. "The child gave me a taco."

"Wow! He's got a crazy voice! Here, say these words." Mabel quickly wrote a list of words on a piece of paper, giving it to Rumble.

Rumble's eyes quickly darted across the paper. "Effer...vescent! Apple..fritter! RIBOFLAVIN!"

Dipper sighed, shaking his head. "Mabel, he's not a toy, he's a fighting machine. I'm gonna get him to defend me from Robbie."

Mabel tilted her head, raising a brow. "Isn't that kinda like cheating?"

"I guess so." Dipper said, before smiling. "Well, I'll see you after the fight."

As Dipper and Rumble left, he read the last of the paper. "POOP! POOP AND BUTTS!

Max was considerably more calmed down then he had been before, watching tv and sipping at his drink.

He looked at peace, until…

"Hey Max!"

Max flinched wildly, choking on his drink as he looked up at Mabel with huge eyes.

"What the f-?!"

"How would you like to go with me nowhere in particular while wearing a blind fold?"

Max sighed with a shrug. "Beats sitting around waiting to go to camp."

He suddenly narrowed his eyes. "Hey, where are you taking me?"

Mabel shrugged, smile on her face that caused him to lean back.

"… I'm going to regret this."

Nikki finally slipped out of the game machine, rubbing her head and shaking her arm to try and get the piece of machine still stuck to her off, before she stared up at Soos.

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea…" She spoke, standing.

"Yeah. We should go look for Dipper, make sure Robbie didn't kill him." Soos agreed, walking out the arcade with pieces of the machine still stuck to him.

Nikki was the first to spot Rumble, practically foaming at the mouth as she chattered excitedly about it.

Soos pulled up in front of Dipper when he saw him.

"Soos, Nikki! Where have you been?"

Nikki looked a bit sheepish at the question.

"Uh…" Soos gestured to the pieces of NORT still stuck to him. "… it's a long story."

"Did you see that video game character?! He was tearing up everything! It's so cool!" Nikki spoke, sticking her head out the window to see if she could see him anymore.

"Yeah, I kinda sorta brought him to life to be my bodyguard. But now I have to stop him before he kills Robbie!"

"So you need 2 amiable sidekicks, one with a pickup truck…" Soos started.

Nikki gave a hyah! and a karate chop. "And one who knows Karate?"

Dipper gave a soft smile, fixing his hat.

"You know I do."

Max blinked as the hot sun burned his aquamarine eyes, hissing a bit in pain, before he stared out at the view.

He felt the same sense of awe as he did when the Quarter Master showed him the glade of animals.

Instead of an animal getting brutally killed, however, his awe was ruined by nearly dying.

"Hey, do you smell anger and hormones?" Mabel asked, grabbing Max's attention.

"Oh no…" Max groaned, tipping his head back to bonk against the water pen.

Robbie scrambled up to the top, pressing himself flush against the water pen. "Finally, I'm safe…"

"Hey Robbie, get your own tower!" Mabel yelled to him, causing him to look over with wide eyes.

"SHHH! Keep it down! He'll find us!"

Max titled his head, raising a brow. "Who?"

"CHALLENGER SIGHTED!"

Robbie gave a small scream.

"YOU CAN HIDE BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE!"

Max leaned over the railing just in time to see a blurry thing strike at one of the stilts.

Max was thrown back, barely hanging onto the rail to keep himself from falling to death.

"We're safe up here, right?" Mabel asked, to which Max glared.

"Of course fucking not! We're on stilts, really high up! We're going to plummet to death, like him!" Max pointed to the image of Robbie falling off the water tower.

Robbie was barely caught by Rumble, mere inches from the ground.

Dipper, having got there a few moments earlier with Soos and Nikki, breathed a sigh of relief.

"Aww…" Nikki whined. "Now I'll never see a dead body…"

"Finish him."

At the announcer's voice, Robbie struggled. "No no no, don't! Don't finish me!"

Dipper quickly grabbed 2 blackboards, holding them above and below his face as Nikki picked up a coin and expertly threw it at Rumble's head.

The fireball he was about to kill Robbie with evaporated as he turned his head. "HWUUUUAAAAAAAAA?!"

"RUMBLE!" Dipper yelled, throwing the boards to the side. "Robbie didn't kill my father."

"Then who did?" Both Nikki and Rumble asked.

Dipper squinted at Nikki, confused. "What? N-No, no one." He turned his attention back to Rumble.

"I lied to you."

"HWUUUHH? WELL THEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY A... BAD GUY!"

Dipper rubbed his arm, frowning. "… I guess I kinda am."

Rumble dejectedly set Robbie onto the tree.

Nikki didn't pay attention to his monologue, turning to Dipper.

"I have a bad feeling about this, so do you want my help?"

Dipper gave a half smile. "I think it's about time I fight my own battles."

"If Robbie V. is not the last stage, then it must be..." Rumble turned, pointing at Dipper. "YYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

A start button appeared next to Dipper.

Nikki frowned a bit. "You absolutely sure you want to do this? Alone?"

"Yeah, that guy's got, like, a black belt wrapped around his black belt. You could get killed!" Soos spoke.

Dipper steeled himself, exhaling. "I created this mess, I have to be the one to fix it."

"Wouldn't you rather hide like a wimp?" Soos asked.

Dipper's response was to punch the start button.

Nikki smiled almost proudly.

"Fight like a man it is."

Max shakily started down the ladder. "You could have killed u- me!" Max barely stopped himself from showing his mild worry over Mabel.

Mabel was pressed against the water pen.

"What, are you afraid of heights now?"Max asked.

Mabel whined a bit, pressing herself further away from the edge.

Max grimaced. "God fucking damnit."

Wendy looked up as she got back into town, walking over when she saw Dipper and Robbie.

"Hey guys! I heard some crazy screaming back here."

Dipper and Robbie looked up, surprised. "Wendy?" They spoke in unison.

"You're back!" Dipper exclaimed after.

Wendy nodded. "Yeah, man. Whoa! What the heck happened here? Freak tornado or something?"

Dipper and Robbie mumbled affirmations that definitely sounded like lies.

Wendy watched as they stammered a bit, before giving a small scowl. "And why are your faces all jacked up? You guys weren't fighting each other, were you? I hate it when guys fight."

Dipper straightened when she adjusted her backpack. "No! Fighting?"

Robbie laughed nervously, nodding. "Why would we be fighting? Never!"

"Yeah, we actually fell over trying to stop two other guys from fighting each other." Dipper lied, getting more confident when Wendy relaxed.

"Cool! It really makes me happy to see my two of my three boys hanging out. I got some unpacking to do. I'll text you guys later."

Wendy planted a kiss on Robbie's cheek and patted Dipper on the head before walking away.

Robbie's eye twitched a bit.

"Three?" He asked when she was gone.

"Look, Robbie, we need to make a cold war pact." Dipper spoke, catching Robbie's attention."

"Ok. What's that?"

"We need to hate each other in silence. If we keep fighting, then we'll both lose Wendy. To Max."

Robbie sighed, nodding.

It was really the best course of action.

Wendy, combing through her hair, was telling a story about Thompson.

"So, then I told Thompson, "Hey, save some for the rest of us!""

Dipper and Robbie both started giving praise to the story like love sick puppies.

"Oh, hey little dude." She greeted when Max passed, who barely acknowledged her with just a hand raised that almost looked like a wave.

When Wendy dropped her comb, Dipper and Robbie only glanced at each other steamily before looking after the younger kid.

"Shit/Crap." They spoke in unison.

In front of a pixelized Mystery Shack stood Dipper, Mabel, Nikki, Max, Stan, and Wendy.

The arrow scrolled over Dipper.

"I have shorts and determination!"

It scrolled over Mabel.

"It's a-me! A-Mabel!"

It scrolled over Nikki.

"Adventure!"

It scrolled over Max.

"I run fast, but don't fucking pick me."

It scrolled over Stan.

"I'm slower, but I jump higher."

It scrolled over Wendy.

"Pick me, or whatever."

Soos' head suddenly came in and ate them like Pac-Man, before he awoke in the gift shop. "Alas. Twas not but a dream."

Soos layed back down on the checkout counter, closing his eyes. "Om. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Eating my friends. Nom. Nom."

 _ **NBY BOE TUBO BSF OPU XIBU UIFZ TFFN.**_

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